Why is a Ravenclaw Like a Writing Desk?
by heiressofanor
Summary: Kidnapped brothers, a not-dead mother, and a mad step-father. Luna Lovegood is down the rabbit hole.
1. Chapter 1: Down the Rabbit Hole

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! Not Harry Potter, not Alice in Wonderland, 2010.**

**Spoilers: HP up to DH (books). Takes place toward the beginning of the DH school year and at some point after the end of Alice in Wonderland, 2010.**

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><p><span><strong>Chapter 1: Down the Rabbit Hole<strong>

Luna Lovegood was lonely. Her sixth year at Hogwarts, while in some ways better than her first three years, was also significantly worse. Headmaster Dumbledore had been killed at the end of the previous year and over the summer Voldemort had succeeded in taking control of the Ministry of Magic. He had appointed Professor Snape as headmaster of Hogwarts and Snape in turn had appointed two of his fellow Death Eaters, Alecto and Amycus Carrow, as professors of Muggle Studies and Defense Against the Dark Arts (now simply called the Dark Arts) respectively. It was mainly because of these two new teachers and their new methods of punishment that Luna was so lonely.

Harry, Ronald, Hermione, Mary, and Cassiopeia were off on their own adventure, fighting against Voldemort. Neville, Ginevra, and Melinda were constantly in trouble with the Carrows for standing up for their fellow students and refusing to change their "blood traitor" ways. Anaxandra (who _must_ have contracted a rather severe case of Hunderblingees, bizarre little creatures that fogged a person's brain and caused her to make rather odd decisions) was spending most of her time bothering the Carrows and Snape to get her an audience with her biological parents, Lord Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange. And so Luna was very lonely indeed.

"Oh Mordecai," she said, "I miss my friends. Neville and Ginevra have detention again, as does Melinda, and Anaxandra is off bothering Professor Snape again. I don't know what to do." She sighed.

Mordecai, her white rabbit patronus (who for some inexplicable reason always wore a waistcoat and carried a pocket watch) twitched his long ears in the direction of the Forbidden Forest.

Luna, perched in her favorite non-whomping willow by the lake, looked over to where Mordecai had gestured. "Is there an adventure waiting for us, Mordecai?" she asked dreamily.

Mordecai nodded.

"Well then, let's go. Lead the way, Mordecai." She climbed down the tree and, after making sure no Death Eaters or student sympathizers were hanging about, followed Mordecai across the grounds. "Mordecai," she asked, "do you know why a Ravenclaw is like a writing desk?"

**XXXX**

"Where are we going, Mordecai?" asked Luna as her patronus led her further into the woods (and out of the woods and home before dark). Her large, eerie, ice blue eyes widened dramatically. "Have the Bungermokes given us a quest? I do enjoy a good riddle and their quests are notorious for masterful riddles."

Suddenly Mordecai disappeared from Luna's sight. "Mordecai? Mordecai? Where are you?" she called. "Have you found the Crumple Horned Snorkack?"

Luna raced off in the direction Mordecai had disappeared. As she ran, her sky blue peasant skirt caught on a low-hanging tree branch. "Wait for me, Mordecai, I'm coming," she called, tugging her skirt free and rolling up the sleeves of her overlarge, royal blue jumper (it was one Neville had given her one day when she had forgotten her own).

Luna continued to follow the trail of silvery light that Mordecai left behind as he hopped along. She stopped when she noticed that the trail led right down a rabbit hole the base of a rather large tree. "Curiouser and curiouser," she murmured. She crawled headfirst down the hole without hesitation. "I'm coming, Mordecai," she called. "Wait for me."

**XXXX**

Luna soon found herself falling, her hair floating in pale, blonde waves behind her. She wasn't afraid, though. This was even better than all the times she and her father had gone on expeditions searching for extraordinary creatures. She began humming softly to herself and eventually she began to sing:

"_Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy warty Hogwarts!_

_ Teach us something please!_

_ Whether we be old and bald or young with scabby knees._

_ Our minds could do with filling with some interesting stuff_

_ For now they're bare and full of air,_

_ Dead flies and bits of fluff._

_ So teach us things worth knowing,_

_ Bring back what we forgot_

_ Just do your best, we'll do the rest_

_ And learn until our brains all rot!_"

Luna hit the ground just as she finished singing. She stood up, her hair in disarray and her clothes all rumpled, and pulled her wand out from behind her radish-bedecked ear. Proving once again why she belonged in Ravenclaw, she remained calm and collected as she took in the room she had landed in.

The circular walls were covered with doors of varying sizes ("All locked, I suppose," she murmured). In the middle of the room stood a tall table on which sat an old-fashioned silver key and a small glass bottle. Luna stepped closer to better examine the objects. "Drink me," she said, reading the label on the bottle. "Hmm…"

Luna picked up the key and looked around at the doors, puzzling out what she should do next. Her large, pale eyes settled on the smallest door. "Of course," she said. "One must be small in order to fit through such a door. Even Professor Flitwick would be too large. If I drink this potion, I shall be small enough to fit." She held tight to the key as she performed a charm on her clothes (she wasn't wearing shoes or socks, as usual) to allow them to shrink or grow with her. She then stuck her wand back behind her ear and took another look around the room. She spotted a small box under the table labeled and picked it up. Luna gave a cry of delight and took one of the pastries labeled "eat me" from the box. Satisfied that she had the situation puzzled out, Luna picked up the bottle with her free hand and took a small sip.

She felt a strange tickling sensation go through her as the potion worked its magic. She found herself growing smaller and smaller and she smiled dreamily. Everything was coming together swimmingly. Once she stopped shrinking, Luna set down the now much-too-large bottle. She walked over to the smallest door and, finding that the key fit perfectly, opened the door.

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><p><strong>Yet another project started that I have not touched in a while. I know where I'm going with this story, it just may be a while before anything else gets written. This is due more to shifting interests rather than loss of interest. I will do my best to update this story, but it is not top of my priority list.<strong>

**Please read & review! No flames, thank you!**


	2. Chapter 2: Curiouser and Curiouser

**OMG! What's this, a chapter? Must be the end of the world! LOL! ;)**

**AN: I should note that I've never written an Alice in Wonderland story before, so if my character portrayals are a bit off, please bear with me. I've read the book and seen both the Tim Burton and animated Disney movies so I'm going a lot off my memories for this story, which at times may unintentionally mesh together various aspects of these portrayals, though I will be sticking as close to the Tim Burton version as possible.**

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><p><span><strong>Chapter 2: Curiouser and Curiouser<strong>

The world on the other side of the door was full of colors, colors that were brighter and more intense than any Luna had ever seen before. She twirled down the yellow brick path in a sort of hopscotch skip and hummed a delightful tune which she couldn't actually remember. She passed by a garden of flowers with faces, tittering and gossiping amongst themselves. She smiled dreamily and waved at them as she danced past (though one flower in particular, which bore a startling resemblance to a certain pink toad, gave her pause). She pirouetted past lovely, large mushrooms of bright shades of red and orange which made her remember fondly the late, great Headmaster Dumbledore, who always had a kindly word and a cup of pomegranate tea for a lonely, eccentric Ravenclaw.

"_Who_ are _you_?"

Luna paused mid-step, one bare foot planted firmly on the ground, the other leg bent at the knee, toe pointed inward to her calf. "Hello," she said dreamily. "I didn't expect to find you here, Professor Snape, sir."

The large blue caterpillar blinked slowly and puffed on his hookah. "_Who_ are _you_?" he repeated.

"I'm Luna, sir," she said, folding her hands in front of her and bowing at the waist without losing her balance. "I don't think you are the Professor after all, though you do sound like him. He usually doesn't go around as a caterpillar, anyway."

"Luna," said Caterpillar Snape, blowing rings of multicolored smoke in the air. "You look like an Alice to me."

Luna smiled brightly. "Alice was my mother's name. She must have come here too."

"There's always been an Alice here," replied Caterpillar Snape.

"Oh, well that's a good thing, I suppose. Alices are very good sorts of people. My Neville has an Alice mother as well. People say she's mad, but it's not her fault. She never meant to forget her baby, I'm sure. That's a very horrible thing to forget."

Caterpillar Snape blinked slowly and his dark eyes finally focused on Luna. "If it's madness you are seeking, just follow that path," he said, pointing three of his arms toward a side path, paved over in lurid purple. "The Hatters and the Hare always welcome guests to their tea parties."

"Thank you, Snapeapiller," she said cheerily, waving at him as she resumed her odd skipping dance down the path he had indicated.

The purple path was long and twisted, weaving around the tall, colorful trees of the dense woods. Luna twirled and whirled along her way, humming and whistling whatever tune tickled her fancy. "I think that I shall never see/ A poem as lovely as a tree," Luna sing-songed, caressing the bark of a particularly lovely orange deciduous tree. "I took the one less traveled by," she hummed, glancing lazily down the path, "and that has made all the difference."

**XXXX**

Luna had lost track of how long she had been traveling down her purple path. On the best of days, time got away from her. Here in this strange land where nothing was as it seemed and everything was exactly as it was, time seemed to stand on its head. Finally, just ahead of her, the purple bricks seemed to peter off and turn into grass. She could hear the soft sounds of voices and laughter rising from just beyond her sight. Being in no particular hurry, Luna continued on her steady hop-twirling pace. "A very merry un-birthday to me," she sang to herself, preforming a particularly difficult sort of hop-stepping kick.

She reached the end of the path, landing a graceful leap onto the grass. In front of her was a small creek and, just beyond, a quaint house that reminded her of the Weasleys' Burrow. In front of the house, on the opposite bank of the creek, lay a long, mismatched table laden with a number of odd dishes and platters. Seated at the table was an odd assortment of guests; a grey and turquoise striped cat, a small rapier wielding mouse, a wild twitching hare, a pale man with wild orange hair, and a woman whose blonde curls were the same color as Luna's own pale golden waves.

Luna neatly dodged the first flying teacup, thrown by the twitching hare in a manic fit of laughter. The second she transfigured into a stuffed sea turtle with practiced ease. "Thank you, Mr. Hare," she said airily as she bounced over the small bridge to the tea-time table. "My Anaxandra does so love sea creatures; I shall be sure to pass along your regards to her."

The hare barely blinked at her before turning back to his argument with the dormouse and the striped cat. The orange haired man stood up, an overlarge and worn top hat on his head, and called out to her, "Good morrow to you, fair stranger. Would you care to join our tea party this fine day?"

Luna smiled dreamily and replied, "Thank you, Mr. Hatter. I always enjoy a lovely tea party on the lawn. It is such a nice day, after all."

The Hatter grinned widely at her, exposing white teeth with a sizable gap between the front two. He pulled out the chair directly to his right and said, "Come, join us my dear. We always have room for new and exciting guests."

Luna scampered over and sat down, still clutching the stuffed sea turtle. "I do so love your hat, Mr. Hatter. It's so very much."

"Why thank you. And since you are joining our tea party already in progress, I must introduce you to our regular guests. Down there we have Thackery Earwick the March Hare, Mallymkun the Dormouse, and Chessur the Cheshire Cat. I am Tarrant Hightopp, though most call me the Hatter, and this," he said, holding the blonde woman's hand lovingly, "is my wife _the _Alice."

Luna smiled dreamily. "How do you do. I'm not an Alice, but I am Luna."

Alice gasped and shot up from her seat. "That's not poss—_Luna_?"

"That's my name my whole life," she said. She cocked her head curiously at the older woman. "Do I know you?" she asked. "I thought I only knew two Alices and I'm very sure they're both accounted for and not down the rabbit hole with me."

"I knew a Luna, once," said Alice slowly. "She was just a small thing when I had to leave her; bright and full of boundless energy. And, oh, her imagination…there was nothing more wonderful than that beautiful imagination of hers. She was the moon in my dark sky; the hope in my dreary life. That was why I chose Luna as her name, the day that I gave her life."

"My Neville's Alice is quite mad," said Luna frowning sadly. "She was tortured and she lost her mind; she no longer recognizes her own son and lives in the hospital with her Frank. My Alice…she died, long ago, when I was quite small. I was there when it happened; she was so smiling and happy, telling me of her many adventures in wonderful Underland, and then…she was simply gone. Daddy said she moved on to Heaven to live with the angels, but I always thought she'd somehow found her way back to Underland." She cocked her head to the side curiously. "Is that where we are?"

If the Hatter was surprised by Luna's insightfulness, he didn't show it. "Indeed we are," he said, "and the finest part outside the White Queen's palace, if I do say so myself."

"So modest, my Tarrant," said Alice dryly, her chocolate eyes still fixed on Luna. "Where are you from, dear Luna?"

"I came from school," she said dreamily. "Mordecai led me on an excellent adventure through the Forbidden Forest."

"The Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts," asked Alice.

Luna hummed. "Yes. Are you a witch as well?"

"I was, once upon a time," admitted Alice, her gaze growing more intent. "What is your surname?"

"Oh, I'm a Lovegood," she replied dreamily. "Father says it's been in the family forever, so he gave it to me to use as I wish."

Alice seemed to suddenly look at Luna in a whole new light. "Luna Lenore Lovegood," she said faintly; her legs gave out and she landed hard on her chair, "the only daughter born of Xenophilius and Alice Lovegood."

Luna's blue gaze seemed to sharpen as she narrowed her focus on Alice. "Yes; how do you know this?"

Alice's eyes were filled with a mix of sadness and joy as she locked gazes with Luna. "I will always know you, Luna. I'm your mother, my darling moon-child."

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><p><strong>AN: The poems that Luna quotes are "Trees" by Joyce Kilmer and "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. Also, the Un-birthday song comes from Disney's animated interpretation of <span>Alice in Wonderland<span>. I OWN NOTHING!**

**Please review! No flames!**


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